I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately, specifically regarding this blog, but also generally in my life. I’ve come to many answers, and I wanted to share the blog-related ones with you all. The questions I’m really asking are: what am I gaining from writing this blog and what am I trying to say with it in addition to why am I writing this.
This blog came from a resurgence of activity on my livejournal. I got to the point where I was posting two or three times a day about just about everything. I had it all tricked out, paid account and everything, with tons of information and personal insight. I started stepping off of livejournal and reading other blogs on blogger and domain-based blogs and such, and I realized that the community on livejournal wasn’t the right one for me to be in, I wanted to be in this blogging community.
I had loved the personal nature of livejournal, the ability to have friends-only or private posts, and I still retain my livejournal (though I don’t post in it as often as I’d like or as often as I used to, most of my energy is directed toward this site). I was heavily involved in the livejournal community, including moderating multiple groups and being involved in many others in addition to my own private blogging. I don’t remember what sparked it off, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision to buy cuntpet.com (which turned into feministfucktoy.com and now femmeinistfucktoy.com), and one which I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with.
A little back-story of my online history as well: I started my first website in 1996 on angelfire (yes, that’s right, angelfire–back when it didn’t have ads!) and have been online in various places ever since. I bought my first domain pretty far back as well, probably around 1998, but I’m not sure. I started a blog, started up my domain, got into a little community and started a fun group blog with some others around my age. I had a wicked crush on someone in my group blog, she was smart, butch, and older than me. I still think about her sometimes. I’m actually still in touch via-LJ with a couple of the other bloggers from that group blog so many years ago.
I’ve had various different domains, some of which I still own, some of which I do not, most of which have faded away with time, as online projects do. I have taken long periods of time away from the internet, mostly for school purposes but not only. I had a long break two years ago when I first moved to SLC and was getting everything sorted out here as well as crazybusy with school and the like. Most of these years I was also on IRC as well, and on my Livejournal (which I’ve had since 2000), and Diaryland for a brief time, and various other sites.
I mention all this to highlight that I’m not new to blogging or to analyzing my life through writing, and that brings me to my first answer to this question. The reason I started this blog was to create a more focused environment for me to explore and analyze my relationship with Dominus Onyx. I started it at a time where we were having a lot of issues, and it seemed bigger than livejournal as well. It was my place to get out ideas and feelings about our relationship, where he could read them too because I can express myself through writing much more easily than I can through regular conversation.
The other big reason for starting this, as I mentioned earlier, was the community factor. I felt like starting this blog was entering into a whole different community, one I embrace wholly and which I feel embraced by. I have made some amazing friends through my explorations of sex, gender, poly, relationships, etc. most of whom I’ve never met face-to-face, but I hope to someday.
I think this answers the questions stated above (what am I gaining from writing this blog, what am I trying to say with it, and why am I writing it), but that’s not all. As you may have noticed, if you’ve been reading for a long or short time, my identities have been changing dramatically since I started this blog. This blog is not only for relationship exploration and community acceptance but it’s also for exploring all sides of myself in a free environment, though I still post the extremely personal stuff in LiveJournal on occasion.
When I started this blog I had just started calling my submission style “cuntpet,” before that I had embraced slave and slavehood. My mastheads have had this progression:
- “The ramblings of a sex-positive femme queer poly feminist fucktoy cuntpet”
- “The Feminist Fucktoy – The musings of a sex-positive femme queer poly 24/7 submissive cuntpet”
- “The Femmeinist Fucktoy – The musings of a sex-positive fat femme queer poly 24/7 submissive cuntpet”
- “The Femmeinist Fucktoy – The speculations and escapades of a sex-positive fat femme queer poly kinky switch (24/7 cuntpet and Domina)”
- “The Femmeinist Fucktoy – The speculations and escapades of a sex-positive fat femme queer poly kinky switch (cuntpet and Domina)”
I’ve been toying with the idea of adding “fagette” or “boi” into the mix of identities, but I haven’t found a good place for them yet. Perhaps you will see it in the future.
The point of going through these is to show how my identity has changed over the months I’ve been writing this blog. Although the first post is technically from 15 August 2007, I didn’t start this incarnation of the blog until 25 February 2008, that’s really not a long time for these changes to be occurring. While some of the main identities I’ve had for years have been constant (sex-positive, femme, queer, poly, feminist) there are new ones like “fat,” a word I used to detest, and switch, cuntpet, and Domina. Although I’ve been exploring BDSM and specifically my submission for about ten years cuntpet is still a new identity, the identity this blog was based around.
Now, why am I sharing all this? First, it’s something that has been on my mind a lot lately. How did I start writing this blog? Why I started to write about sex, sexuality, relationships. and gender specifically, simply to explore my own interactions with each and my thoughts on the subjects. I know from some of the feedback I have gotten that I am making others think, helping others in discovering their own identities, or simply discovering someone that is similar to them or thinks in a similar way.
That’s another of my reasons for writing this blog, because I believe individual stories are powerful and getting to know individuals is important. I started this as much to get to know you as for you to get to know me. I want to share my own discoveries and views of the world and see who echos those views back to me, and hope that I may help inspire others toward their own discoveries.
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Poly geeky kinky switch here…And I think I’m smack-dab in the middle of the butch-femme continuum, actually. I may waver slightly to one end or the other at any given time, but I’m usually right in the center. At least that’s how I see myself. *shrug* :)
I agree wholeheartedly about getting to know individuals! When I discover new blogs I find that I spend hours reading and delving into all that the blogger has offered. Sometimes I comment, sometimes I don’t. I always close the browser feeling as if I met someone new who made me think or left an impression in some way.
I love that feeling.