Femme Fagette

Sex 2.0 Update

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If you are 18+ you should know this blog contains frank and explicit discussion of sex, sexuality, queerness, gender, BDSM, polyamory/non-monogamy, and whatever else strikes my fancy.

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Sex 2.0 is an unconference about the intersection of social media, feminism, and sexuality. This is my second year attending. Much like last year’s Sex 2.0 update I’m updating in the middle of the conference, though unlike last year the middle of the conference is Saturday evening (it was only one day last year). There are a few sessions tomorrow, including quite a few I’m interested in and excited about.

So far it’s a very different conference than the one I attended last year, but partially also because it’s where I currently live as opposed to being far away, not to mention this time it isn’t overshadowed by meeting a long-distance partner (though Onyx just left for Norway today–not for a fun reason, though, to go to a funeral). I’ve been very flattered a number of times so far this weekend, people knowing who I was when I didn’t think they would, or being actually excited by my presence. It’s been a great experience so far.

I’ll for sure be writing a longer more detailed post about the conference. You can check out my twitter feed to read what I have tweeted thus far about it (which has been a lot, I’ve basically been tweeting my conference notes rather than taking them any other way) and to follow what I will be tweeting tomorrow.

The sessions I attended today:

Standing Up to the Neighborhood Bullies of the Internet by @JulianArancia
Media Whoring – Tips from the Pros a panel with @ReidAboutSex, @veronicamonet, @maymaym, @cunningminx, the PR manager for @castlemegastore, and @fiercekitty
Out: the Challenges and Rewards of Being Sex Positive to Your Family, Friends, Job, and Culture by @ropecast/@graydancer
Online Sex Coaching and Education by @inaradeluna
The Need for “Peermanship” In Meat-Time: Flying Your Freak Flag At Conferences, Why It’s Important to Hit On Your Peers, and How To Handle Your Conference Crushes…” by @ReidAboutSex

I figure you can click-through their twitter pages to their websites more easily than I can link all their websites and twitter names and make it look good.

Just like last year I will have a more detailed post up after the (un)conference is over!

Self-Consciousness

I used to think I was an exhibitionist. I still do think that to a point, but lately I’ve been so reserved and worried about the way others perceive me I can hardly call myself an exhibitionist. I’m more self-conscious now than I have ever been before in my life. I’m less outrageous, trying to blend more, and just generally unsure of myself. Recently I had two separate conversations on different topics that lead to this point, I’m letting my ego get in the way, my anxiety take over.

Even though it seems like this is the opposite of the ego’s job, it’s still part of the same mold. The same part of you builds yourself up that will knock yourself down. The ego is responsible for the worry and anxiety and stopping you from being you just as it can be responsible for the arrogance and puffed-out chest of confidence. Either extreme isn’t desired, but, as with all things in life, I seek to find a balance, a happy equilibrium within myself.

This might sound crazy coming from someone who blogs about her life, who routinely informs others about her sex, thoughts, and feelings, but especially lately I seem to have a difficult time believing that other people are actually interested in hearing what I have to say. I’m not talking about on here, but in person, when I meet new people or interact with known ones. This was especially true the first few weeks after I got back to Seattle.

When I was in Juneau I was much more comfortable. My motto for Juneau is basically “it’s Juneau, nobody cares,” and I would say it whenever there was a question of etiquette, appropriate dress for an event, or pretty much anything. This isn’t really true, though. Juneau is a small town and there is tons of gossip. Despite thinking it was super liberal when I grew up (and it is compared to the rest of Alaska) there are still lots of non-liberal ideas and people who live there, and it isn’t comfortable to express everything there.

I do think that, for the most part, people in Juneau don’t give a shit about you unless they know you, however, and that’s where my motto came from. I never really got invested in Juneau people. Growing up there I did tons of activism in the high school, I was in many theatre productions, people knew who I was but very few people actually knew me, and I liked it that way. Going back was very similar, only I knew even less people. I knew people could recognize me, and people did quite often, but if they had any preconceived notions of me it didn’t matter, or maybe it mattered less.

Some of this goes back to what I was talking about in Relational Assumptions. I’m worried about what people here will assume about me, I haven’t been able to adopt the same nonchalant attitude because I actually want to be invested here, I want to gain friends and not be a loner like I have been previously. I want to be more outgoing and social, but I need to stop caring so much about what other people think, because I want people to like me for me and not for anything else.

I like being a multifaceted individual, but sometimes it’s exhausting because I’m too worried about other people to express myself fully. A friend, in one of the conversations I mentioned above, mentioned she had learned to instate a complete honesty policy in order to encourage compatible friendships and discourage ones that could turn sour down the road. I think I do this too… to an extent, anyway. I will answer questions honestly but don’t always offer up information unasked, but I want to change this.

I’m trying to shed the trappings of my ego, acknowledge them and move past them, to stop being so self-conscious. Care less what people I don’t know think about me and more about feeling comfortable within myself and expressing myself however that happens. I want to start volunteering information about myself, start realizing that people care what I have to say and actually have an interest in hearing it. Part of the beginning of this change in me came in dying my hair from the reddish brown it has been the last few months back to a bright purple, the rest of it will come soon.

This Is Not More Difficult, It Is Just Different

This has been posted a few different places including The Femme’s Guide, and I decided it needed to be posted here as well.

It’s not often I’m moved to tears… or maybe it is often when someone articulates something so well as Ivan E. Coyote has here. The title of this post is a line from the first video, “The Femme Piece.”

Through watching the first I found the second, “A Butch Roadmap,” also by Mr. Coyote.

Butch Voices 2010 Regional Conferences

I thought this might be of interest to some of you other than just me. I’m going to try and make the Portland conference, I think, since Portland isn’t too far away or too expensive to get to. I’ll be keeping an eye on further information and posts about the conferences and I hope you do the same. I like the multiple locations of semi-smaller conferences, it makes it more accessible, but it probably also makes each less well attended, so it’s a bit of give-and-take.

Next year we’ll have the second full sized Butch Voices conference to participate in, this year we have four regional conferences.

Butch Voices 2010 Regional Conferences: Call for Submissions

BUTCH Voices is a national organization composed of social justice activists who share a commitment to building inclusive community for self-identified Butches, Studs, Tombois, Machas, Aggressives, our partners and allies.

This year we will be holding BUTCH Voices Regional Conferences in Dallas, New York, Los Angeles & Portland. We invite you to join us for workshops, panels, and performances intended to celebrate our diverse identities.

BUTCH Voices Dallas – June 5, 2010 – contact – [email protected]

BUTCH Voices NYC – September 25, 2010 – contact – [email protected]

BUTCH Voices Portland – October 2, 2010 – contact – [email protected]

BUTCH Voices LA – October 9, 2010 – contact – [email protected]

These regional conferences will be an amazing opportunity to create local and regional community awareness, to share butch voices, and critical thinking about who we are. BUTCH Voices Regional Conferences are a place to: talk about why we identify in the ways we do, learn how to tell our stories, address femininity, masculinity, discuss areas of overlap and intersection that are none of the above. We will talk about sex, embodiment, community building, our physical and mental health, and issues that stand in the way of Butch-identified solidarity and justice. Most importantly, BUTCH Voices is the place where we can be ourselves with one another.

This is our Call for Submissions. We welcome workshop ideas of all kinds, films, performances, skill shares, especially on topics which speak to the cultural, sexual, emotional, physical, and psychological relationships that arise in the lives of Butches, Studs, Tombois, Aggressives, Machas, etc. We are open to all perspectives–queer, feminist, womanist, neither or beyond! We particularly encourage proposals by and for people-over sixty, under twenty-one, working-class, and people of color or persons with disabilities.

Deadline for Submissions for BUTCH Voices Dallas is May 15, 2010 and for the other three Regional Conferences is August 1, 2010. Please submit your proposal or abstract to the corresponding Regional Conference (email addresses listed above) in which you wish to present along with a short bio of yourself and any other presenter.

Please forward this widely to all who may be interested in participating.
Thank you,
BUTCH Voices

Vaguely Artistic (Wanton Wednesday)

The Seattle Erotic Arts Festival (SEAF) is this weekend, and Onyx and I already have our passes. This will be the first SEAF we have attended and in honor of that and the first Wanton Wednesday I have participated in our shots this week are our erotic art.

Truthfully, I was taking quite different pictures when Onyx got home and interrupted my photo session so we took these instead. I quite like how they turned out. I recently re-dyed my hair purple and wanted to show it off, but only one of the pictures where I was trying to do so actually turned out.

Pictures are below the cut.

WW is the brainchild of Dangerous Lilly (who I was fortunate to meet last weekend and is fantastic!)

To see all participants or participate next week click the button.

“Do you feel like sometimes you want to be a little more than just half naked? A bit more than just slightly suggestive? For the weeks you want to play with the wicked & wanton crowd, feel free to join us on Wednesdays. Rules? Just one. Put that button up there in your post, link to here and most importantly let us know you’re playing along each week by commenting on the current WW post! Other than that…..have fun ;)”

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Doublethink Over Dissonance

Onyx and I have settled in to a remarkably comfortable D/s dynamic. We have talked extensively about it, but the difference this time is that it just clicks, for lack of a better term. All the background issues that were making so much noise the last time we were trying these power roles have been resolved, thanks in large part to the many things we learned through the trial of the triad. I find myself enjoying to do things for him, and he is now more able to push and guide me than he was before. It is, in a word, wonderful.

I have noticed that I am hesitant to share this power dynamic with others, even on here to an extent. I believe this is in part due to it still, in some ways, being so new and foreign but mostly it is because it is still private and vulnerable. Despite the abundance with which I share my private feelings and thoughts on this blog (less so now than I have before, but I’m working on writing more when I don’t have writer’s block) I have an extremely difficult time sharing personal things with others, especially in person and especially those I don’t know very well. Hell, I even have trouble expressing things to Onyx sometimes which I would have no issue writing to him.

The last couple of weekends while going out with amazing people I’ve noticed myself being slightly more comfortable but still not all that comfortable with expressing my submissiveness, and that was with fellow kinky perverted people who have read my blog including stories of me being slapped and dominated and fucked. I don’t mean showing my submissvieness to them, but just talking about it.

I see others so secure in their submission and happy to proclaim to the world that they are submissive and I find myself having trouble with that. Perhaps it is because I am a switch. I can’t fully embrace my role as submissive because, although I feel submissive to Onyx, I do not feel wholly like a submissive. I cannot throw myself into submission with complete abandon because I am also a Top. Or, that is the roadblock I come to in my mind.

Although I don’t consciously think this is true, there is a part of me that thinks embracing submission fully would mean giving up the parts of myself that are not submissive. Call it internalized binary programming that says I have to be one or the other but never both. The way some people say someone can’t feel Dominant and submissive at the same time, but I highly disagree, I say I am always both and it is the people I am with and situations I am in that bring each out in me.

However, I don’t have any hesitations about expressing my dominant side. I think in part this is because it is less vulnerable, less private, in a way. I am more comfortable with it, but also because it seems to be less normative. It’s more “okay” to express because it somehow shakes up the expectations.

I feel the same way with sexuality and gender, I’m far more comfortable expressing my desires when they have to do with cis-females or trans-people than when they have to do with cis-males. Essentially, I’m far more comfortable expressing my queer sexuality than what would be seen as a hetero-sexuality, as if expressing desire for cis-males somehow makes me less queer. Of course, in some minds it does. In some minds it would completely invalidate any other expression of queerness.

Similarly with gender I have been desiring lately to express my masculine side, the personae (yes, plural) I designate as Quyn or Sebastian sometimes. I used to dress more masculine and drifted to the feminine and now I’m working on finding the way to be both or neither, to dress as I please. While I’m more comfortable expressing my femme drag queen gender identity I think because that, in some ways, is the one that is less normative, despite being assigned female at birth, but that’s a whole other post.

Perhaps in the same vein expressing submissive desires could somehow invalidate any expression of dominance. I’m not saying this is the case, but I do think that Aristotelian logic is so ingrained in our culture that it is difficult to work against. If we express ourselves as being on one side of a cultural binary we are not only saying what we are but we are saying what we are not. By this logic when I say I am submissive I’m also saying I’m not dominant. It works for everything, really: power, sexuality, gender, etc. All the identities I hold middle ground on, certainly, and others as well.

I’ve talked about this many times before, I know, and read about the phenomenon. It’s not new, but it is significant. The point I’m trying to make here, though, is that I’m more comfortable expressing one aspect but not another on these supposed binaries (and I should point out that I do not see power dynamics or sexualities as part of a binary system, but they are largely seen culturally to be so which makes operating outside of them difficult and that is why I am referring to them as binaries), and my comfortability seems to be backwards. I am comfortable expressing the non-normative desires, those outside what is culturally expected, when it’s usually (or so I think) the opposite.

I want to be just as comfortable expressing and embracing all of my identities, and the first step just like with anything is acknowledgement. I have internalized binary and aristotelian logic programming. I have internalized power dynamic programming. I can actively work on acknowledging this programming and work to move beyond it, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Instead of thinking of these socially contrary ideas in terms of conflict and feeling dissonance over them I want to get to a point of doublethink, where I am comfortable with embracing these identities that seem to be contradictory and am, further, comfortable in my own skin. That’s what it’s all about in the end, anyway.

Amazing Weekends

The last three weekends have been pretty spectacular, really ever since I got back to Seattle things have been, but that’s beside the point. As I have written about, three weekends ago we played with Terra and Storax and saw Tristan Taormino. The last two weekends have been sex blogger filled and exceptionally fun. I briefly mentioned these as upcoming on my events list post, but now they have happened!

Two weekends ago Amber and Em made their way up to us. I made my famed curry bake at Amber’s request and she gave me a bike which she doesn’t use anymore! It needs a little bit of fixing up before I can actually ride it, but that fixing up should be cheaper than getting a new one, so I’m extremely happy with how that worked out.

There was much cat petting game playing, and fun that was had. Next time we’ll have more of a structured outing in mind, I think, what happens when four easygoing people go out is that no one makes solid decisions! It was amusing, really. They brought two Wii controllers with them so the four of us played quite a bit of Mario Kart, a game Onyx and I have become rather addicted to (it’s not all sex and relationship babble here all the time). When we first got our Wii and tweeted about it both Amber and Em enthusiastically told us that they love Mario Kart so we all knew we would play it when they got up here.

We all went first to Cupcake Royale and shared a six-pack of delicious cupcakes before heading to one of our favorite dive bars slash mexican places Bimbos Cantina for some drinks and, eventually, nachos. It was definitely a delicious food-filled evening. After a bit of indecisive wandering in the sprinkling rain we headed back to our place for more Mario Kart. They were both amazingly adorable the entire time and I loved meeting them. After breakfast the next morning they were on their way back home.

Our exciting blogger meet-ups didn’t stop with them.

Last Saturday Onyx and I had the pleasure of going out with a group of other sex bloggers: Nadia West, CoyPink, Alec (CoyPink’s husband), Kyle, and Roxy. Nadia was visiting from her side of the country (she already wrote about her weekend here. ) and Roxy was up visiting Kyle, it just so happened they would be here at the same time so we all could go out together. We had met CoyPink, her husband, and Kyle before, but hadn’t seen them in a long while, and had not had the opportunity to meet Nadia or Roxy so it was exceptionally exciting.

We all met at The Honey Hole for dinner and drinks (a perfect place for sex bloggers to meet up at, no?). After much chatting about all manner of things we meandered our way to The Crypt to fondle sexy outfits and peruse sex toys. CoyPink found a couple of sexy pieces of clothing for the amazing photos her husband takes of her, one of which she has already posted photos of: Black Vinyl and More Black Vinyl. (CoyPink also has pictures of Nadia and her up which you should check out.) I picked up a red leopard cuff and a red and black houndstooth fedora, both of which will probably be making their way into photos here soon as well.

After The Crypt we all parted ways, but it was a wonderful evening to be sure. It was so great to meet both Nadia and Roxy, and it’s always a blast to spend time in the company of other like-minded sexually open people. I was, perhaps, a little too reserved, I’m just not all that good with this socializing thing, but I really enjoyed myself and hopefully they did too.

Making Open Relationships Work

On Sunday after the rest of our weekend fun Onyx and I walked to Babeland here in Seattle for a workshop by Tristan Taormino. She called it Poly 201, basically the next level of information after her book Opening Up.

She talked about what does and does not make poly/non-monogamy work and started with a T-chart listing only what doesn’t make poly work on one side which included: New Relationship Energy, Time Management, Miscommunication, Agreement Violation, Jealousy, and Change. She then proceeded to address each factor individually and give the tools and skills to use to combat each of the potential issues. The following is her information both from my notes and as I remember it.

What doesn’t make poly work and the tools we can use to combat each of those issues:

New Relationship Energy: patience, compassion, communication
Time Management: organization, (google) calendars, negotiation skills
Miscommunication: honesty, full disclosure, self-awareness, communication
Agreement Violation: checklists, commitment
Jealousy: reality check, self-awareness, self-esteem, confidence, security, non-attachment, support/therapy

She stopped there to unpack jealousy a bit for us. Jealousy can be broken down into envy, competitiveness, possessiveness, excluded feelings, insecurity (fear of abandonment, not good enough, not valued, etc.), obsessiveness. Essentially “all roads lead to fear.” Jealousy isn’t about reason or using our intellect it’s about our reptilian brain overtaking us and it takes a fuckofalot to get us out of it. There is a lot of debate as to whether jealousy is innate or learned, but most likely it is some combination.

The following two situations can be both good or bad depending on the situation.

Change: the tools needed to cope depends on what kind of change is occuring
Love: compersion

Change can be welcome, or it can be difficult and unexpected. New love (and old love) can be a source of great happiness or something that catches us off guard. As Tristan said, there’s a reason why it is called “falling in love,” because most of the time you “fall on your face.” Or perhaps something came into your path that made you stumble and fall, not always in a good way.

When new love comes along specifically it can often trigger “old monogamous programming,” or the socialization that we all get in this culture to believe in monogamy. The best way to combat this is compersion. Compersion is finding joy and happiness in the happiness of your partner with another. It is the opposite of jealousy and a goal in most non-monogamous relationships.

Tristan offered “the selfish person’s guide to compersion” which essentially is for you (the selfish person) to remember that eventually the energy and excitement of the other relationship will come back and help to fuel your relationship. When a relationship is going well for someone they will feel good and that feeling good will bleed over into every relationship that person is in.

That’s the bare bones of what was covered. There was also a Q&A session at the end and after that we said hello to Tristan and got our copy of Opening Up signed. It was a wonderful workshop and was absolutely wonderful to see and meet Tristan Taormino. I highly encourage you to go to a workshop of hers if you ever have the chance!

Quyn (HNT)

While I was in Juneau I bought a sports bra which is smaller than recommended for my breast size. I bought it for the sole purpose of using it as a binder, turning my large breasts into a still-large-but-slightly-smaller chest. I wore it while performing in Julius Caesar and quite a bit around Juneau in general.

I haven’t worn it too much since I’ve been back in Seattle, partially because on days I know I won’t be doing much outside the house I tend to wear things that are comfortable and loose, partly because I have been feeling rather femme lately whenever we have decided to go out, and partly because I’m not completely comfortable showing off this masculine identity to the world yet.

The last few days, however, I’ve been feeling more and more like binding, packing, changing my gender presentation to one that is more masculine. I woke up this morning and just knew I was going to bind.

I’m still not comfortable enough going out here. Juneau was more comfortable, but less comfortable for other things. I don’t know this part of myself well enough to show it to people here yet, but I’m working on it.

e[lust] #11

HNT courtesy of Neptune Blue

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #12? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Sometimes poly IS hard – The difficulties one faces in managing healthy interpersonal relationships, and the skills one employs in overcoming those difficulties, are the same whether you are monogamous or poly or something in between.

Artist and Model – I’m drawing her furiously along with everyone else in the class. I know her name is Janice because a long time ago we’d been acquaintances, then lovers for a night, and then I didn’t see or hear from her again.

His Boots – He’s my fix. I’m his addiction. Maybe we’re just each other’s junkies? I can never tell when i’m close enough to breathe him in I cease to care about anything else.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

I need a new highway….

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Nerds are NOT this season’s must-have accessory - Being a nerd doesn’t mean you grew up unpopular and tormented, that you have a high-paying job, that you like Star Trek, that you’re socially awkward, that you never exercise, that you run Linux on your computer, that you’re highly educated, that you have low self esteem, or that you have trouble getting dates.

See also: Pleasurists #71 for all your sex toy review needs.

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