Death, Rebirth, and Submission

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If you are 18+ you should know this blog contains frank and explicit discussion of sex, sexuality, queerness, gender, BDSM, polyamory/non-monogamy, and whatever else strikes my fancy.

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Clutched by notoca

When the triad first started we talked a lot about how it would change my relationship with Onyx. We had to get rid of the monogamous-type relationship we had developed over the years and move into an open polyamorous one and then also to incorporating Marla into the mix. I talked about it somewhat when it was happening, but not as much as we all were talking about it.

In Opening Up by Tristan Taormino she talks about this transition and needing to mourn the loss of the previous relationship. In some ways I think we did too good of a job of this. We destroyed our past relationship through everything that happened, and in many ways never rebuilt it while the triad was going on. In some ways I’m glad, as that has enabled us to come together now and be that much stronger after time apart and time to miss each other.

While talking about some of our pre-triad relationship failings Onyx said today: “that relationship is dead, and the two people involved live on only in the memories of two stronger, wiser, and more self-aware beings with the same names.” In so many ways it is so overwhelmingly true. This new second chance that we have been given has only been able to happen because we have already mourned the relationship we used to have, and we both have grown so incredibly much over the last year. We both knew that getting out of Utah would allow us to grow in new ways, but I never expected this.

It’s as if we are two different people than we were five years ago when we met. Some things are the same, of course, we’re still amazingly compatible and have rediscovered the love and lust that brought us together in the first place. We are both much more open than we were, we have fewer walls between us, and now we are able to give ourselves to the other without nearly as many reservations. Our love just continues to grow and it’s amazing.

Gone is the hesitation I felt in the past and my need for him to somehow prove his dominance over me in an unreasonable way. Now I just have this overwhelming desire to submit to him. To be completely honest it took me off guard. When he came up to Juneau I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a farewell trip or if we were going to reconnect, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard-hitting. I want to support and encourage him, to give myself to him in ways that I wasn’t prepared to before, to be completely open to him and do anything he desires.

We have been talking endlessly about everything, our communication has never been better, and the more we communicate the more I desire him and the more I desire to submit to him. It is amazing to feel this passion in our relationship again, though in some ways it is a completely new relationship as I mentioned above.

We have both come to express our desire for more firm D/s roles and have settled quite easily and surprisingly back into our Owner/cuntpet dynamic. Obviously the situation is quite different than it was before by nature of being so far away, but because we know each other so well it is also very easy to let our imagination combine with past experiences to bring our long distance interactions close to reality.

I’m having a lot of fun exploring my submissive side again, especially now that it is flowing so much easier than it once did. I love feeling confidence in our interactions and being able to let go of the expectations I once held so tightly on to, making our dynamic that much better. I am really surprised at how much more natural it feels this time around, how neither of us are struggling or straining, and how perfect it feels. He is my Owner again, and it is wonderful.

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January 22nd, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Peg-ass-us by Pack of Others

I’ve known John Leo for the better part of the last decade (eight years? More? Less?) though it’s been a good five or so years since I’ve seen him. We’ve been in touch recently via Facebook and I am super excited at the chance to see him and meet his partner Sophie and see them perform! They are going on tour with their show Peg-Ass-Us, a musical romantic comedy about pegging looking at “queer sex for straight folks.” How fantastic is that?!

They’re coming up here to Juneau and also to Seattle and Portland, so if you’re in either of those wonderful cities (and I know some of you are) you definitely need to check them out. They’re also based out of Brooklyn, and have performed in major cities all over, so even if you’re not in Seattle or Portland you should get them on your radar and see if you can see them next time they’re in your town!

There is more information on their website.

They’re also on Facebook, Twitter, and have their show listed as an event on FetLife for the Seattle show and the Portland show so you can get all social networky with them especially if you are able to go or even if you’re not!

The show information:

John Leo and Sophie Nimmannit, a real-life couple, have crafted perhaps the silliest, most heartfelt romantic comedy about strap-on anal sex ever. Their beginner’s guide to “pegging” (as coined by Savage Love readers) – complete with sing-a-longs, how-to’s, puppets and soul-baring striptease – offers a hilariously penetrating look at queer sex for straight folks. But as the lesson probes deeper, it devolves into a lover’s quarrel that tickles qualms, exposes scruples, liberates desire and comes to a climax where everyone gets off.

After a month-long run as Artists-in-Residence at Dixon Place in New York City, Pack of Others takes their sex-ed kink comedy Peg-ass-us on the road, spending February 2010 – “Creative Romance Month” and “Safer Sex Awareness Month” – on tour in the Pacific Northwest. Join us!

“a real audience pleaser; it’s frank, illuminating and theatrical, no matter how you like your bacon”
–“Stage Notes” by Tom Murrin, PAPERMAG

“Sex-Ed at its Best!”
-Drs. Carol Queen & Robert Lawrence
(featured educators, Bend Over Boyfriend video series)

“This little theatrical workshop on sex, relationships and intimacy was informative, amusing, clever, touching and sexy all in an hour.”
~Ty Stover, Indy.com

Tour Dates

Feb. 5th-6th – Juneau, Alaska
The Hangar (in the Wharf) Ballroom
Egan Drive, Merchants Wharf
Shows at 9pm
(includes Special Performances of Juneau’s
Off the Hook Honeys (Burlesque),
Snaptastic! (Buffoon) in “Your B*tch is Next”
and more!)

Feb. 14th (Valentine’s!)- 17th – Seattle, WA
Annex Theater
11th Ave at E. Pike St
Seattle, WA 98122
Shows at 8pm
Tickets $15 (general admission), $10 (students/seniors)
(Monday 15th, Pay What You Can)
Advance tickets: www.annextheatre.org

Feb. 19th-21st – Portland, OR
Someday Lounge
125 Northwest 5th Avenue
Portland, OR 97209
Shows at 8pm
Tickets $10 advance, $12 at the door
Advance tickets: www.somedaylounge.com

In case you need more convincing, here’s their youtube video too!

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January 21st, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Breathe and Let Go


via Squall Leonhartt cropped by me for use in this post

I feel his hand cover my mouth and know what is about to come. Taking a deep breath through my nose quickly before he pinches that shut, my eyes fly open to look into his as he looms above me. My hands are at my sides, gripping at the sheet beneath me, trying to hold on for as long as possible as he pauses his movements inside of me, his cock buried in me, my legs splayed open wantonly aside his hips, my feet curling up around his waist.

I close my eyes again and embrace the sensations flooding me. The pressure of his flesh sunk deep within me reminds me I am his to be used. His hand covering my mouth and fingers holding my nose closed remind me I am his to be played with. I feel my head become lighter with lack of oxygen, my lungs start to strain for anything they can get and, so denied, begin to burn with the desire for air.

My hands come up toward his arm without thinking, my eyes open again to look at him, but I stop myself from tapping out, wanting to withstand the torture for as long as possible before wordlessly asking him to stop. Once I do ask he will wait for just a few moments longer before giving me back the breath that he has stolen.

I feel my lungs tightening and straining more fiercely now, my head becoming dizzy, my thoughts fuzzy, and my movements slightly weakening. My body is screaming with the need to fight or flight, but I am calming it as much as possible as I endure his control over my breathing.

I tap his arm once and then again and again as forcefully as I can muster, the next few moments seem to drag on as he takes his time releasing me from his grasp.

I breathe.

My lungs are full again, and in breathing my mind clouds even more. I am sunk down into deeper submission as the feeling of his control and my vulnerability washes over me. I roll my head to the side just slightly. His movements resume, hard, forceful, pressing me into the mattress as he takes my cunt and moves my ankles to his shoulders.

I respond autonomically, my hands resume their place gripping the sheet and my moans and whimpers escape my throat without any coercion or thought on my part. He draws the responses from me with his movements, his hands now at my breasts to arouse me further, playing with and pulling my nipples.

My mind is blank other than the sensations he is causing in me and I cry out softly as his hand now impacts with my left cheek, my face burning from the slap, both cheeks reddening as I recognize my enjoyment of being treated so roughly. His hand that just slapped me moves again to cover my mouth, and I take a deep breath through my nose quickly before he pinches that shut.

Though I’m not referencing any direct incident in this scene it is one that has happened many times, especially when Onyx was up visiting. While writing it I had the most interesting physical reactions to the scenario, not becoming aroused01 but also feeling the burning in my lungs and lightheadedness that accompanies this type of play.

  1. though I most certainly did become aroused while writing this [↩]

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January 19th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Reflections and Refractions

Of all the pain and disaster of everything that has happened there have at least been some good things.

I have learned a lot, both about myself and about what I desire in another person. When forced to make a choice between Marla and Onyx I chose neither, and through that choice learned who was truly supportive of me.

I needed time if I was going to be with either of them again, and Marla would not give that to me. The little time that we were still in contact after I broke us up or paused us or whatever she basically constantly brought up her and I being together and how she could not understand how I had not chosen her automatically. She didn’t seem to understand the bond between Onyx and I, and maybe that was my fault for being so unsteady in my relationship with him and confiding in her my questions and unsureness. It seemed that we could not have a conversation without her saying something passive-aggressive or bringing up our possible future.

However, I am not saying she is wholly to blame. I am definitely not without blame. We both needed support at the time, but we needed the opposite of what the other needed. She needed me even more after the triad disbanded, and I needed time to figure things out. I needed her to be happy without me, and she needed me to need her.

Finally things between us got to the breaking point and I knew we could no longer be in contact. I was content still being loosely in contact through social networks and such, just not direct contact, until her mother posted on my Facebook page essentially telling me to remove anyone she was related to and not be in contact with them again. I followed her instructions and took that beyond Facebook to every social media network Marla and I had contact on. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary for us both, I think.

This was before Onyx visited. During and ever since he and I have been in more and more contact. I have been hesitant to say we are in a relationship again, but he has proven time and time again that he is supportive of me and my needs. He had questions after everything that happened too, but was willing to give me the time I needed without pressing the issue or getting in arguments with me.

It has been two months as of today since the triad broke, and twenty one days since I broke all contact with Marla. While I mourn the loss of what we were trying to do and of Marla as a friend and lover I also think everything has turned out for the best. From what I hear she is doing well and is happy, and I am extremely glad for that, she deserves all the happiness in the world.

As for Onyx and myself, it has come to the point where I cannot deny that we are in a relationship again. It feels very much like a new relationship, however, a new and improved version of us, a fresh start in some ways. The experiences of the past year as well as being apart have combined to rekindle the passion between us, and it is simply amazing.

The positive side of me focusing on my own failures is that it has become easier for me to heal long-held emotional wounds. I have a tendency to hang on to them for as long as possible, and some I was holding on to were a huge hindrance in my relationship with Onyx. I can’t say I have abandoned them one hundred percent, but I have as much as possible and I’m working on releasing the rest.

Essentially we have a second chance for us, something we have been talking about needing for quite some time.

I’m actually quite amazed at the desire we have recovered, and I think having gone through everything we have in the five years that we have been together all will contribute to us being smarter about things in the many more years to come. We hope to avoid the pitfalls we fell into the last time around.

We both have grown a lot since and because of everything that has happened and have talked a lot about what we will and will not do next time we find someone we are interested in either separately or as a couple. We are both, in many ways, different people than we were before and ready to try things again which failed in the past, including rediscovering our D/s roles together.

I’m still staying up in Juneau, and he’s still in Seattle, so we will have time apart for a while to figure out our respective lives before being able to be with each other in the same way we once were, and I think the time apart will help us both immensely.

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January 18th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Protected: More Honesty

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January 18th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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If I Was Really Honest with Myself…

…what would I say?

This question has been running through my head over and over since everything happened in November. I’m still processing everything, but life must go on in the meantime as much as I want to pause it and analyze and figure things out before continuing I, unfortunately, do not have the ability to do that, so I’m taking everything one step at a time.

Ang just wrote a post on Things People Say about polyamory and what it entails, when she posed this question on twitter “Finish this sentence: “For poly to work, everyone involved must…………..”" I immediately responded “…communicate and be honest, especially with themselves.” These aren’t the only things that are required, but they are what immediately came to mind, specifically because they were our downfalls.

I think honesty was one of the big things missing from the triad. Ultimately, dishonesty is what ended up splitting us so suddenly, but it had been a problem for quite a while, and for all of us to an extent I think. I know there were times when I was dishonest, specifically to myself but through being dishonest with myself I was dishonest with the others. It is so easy for me to deceive myself, though I used to be much better at it than I am now as I’ve purposefully worked at eroding that skill set.

No one is able to be honest with themselves 100 percent of the time because that’s just not the way our brains work. What we think we want in one minute could be wrong, a distraction, or simply part of the process of moving us toward the ultimate realization. Or maybe it is what we want in that moment, we just don’t want it later. Our brains work in convoluted ways and often will not let us know the whole truth that is going on inside us until it is too late.

It’s often difficult to tell the difference between dishonesty and change in some cases as well. There were many times within the triad relationship when I was wondering about things, worried about things, or thinking about things in a way that was contrary to how I ended up feeling. Were those times when I was being dishonest or simply something that changed in me during the course of the trilationship? Probably a little of both.

I will be honest and say that there have been many times lately and in the past when I have wondered if I am still attracted to males. Aside from Onyx there hasn’t been another I have really been attracted to in a long time. Being with a female again reminded me of just how attracted I am to females. On the one hand I don’t want to limit myself, but on the other I find my understanding of my desires evolving as I do.

There was a period of a few weeks after the triad dissolved that I was feeling decidedly asexual, no doubt as part of a coping mechanism to the shock of everything that happened and the need for me to get space and take time. I used that time to evaluate a lot of things about myself and my desires, and realized while my desires have remained fairly constant my ability to articulate them has definitely changed.

For a long time I have called myself intellisexual but maybe not fully embraced the meaning. I’m attracted to intelligence and intellect, to individuals and all the things that make up an individual rather than the body that individual inhabits. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a bit of an indifference to genitals, by which I mean I don’t find genitals in and of themselves sexy or arousing. I can’t look at a picture of a cock or cunt and be that attracted to it without knowing the person behind it. This rang home for me when Onyx visited.

Before the triad split it had been a while since Onyx and I had sex, and the times we did after Marla moved in with us were not only few and far between but also often strange and unpleasant for one reason or another. There were a lot of negative emotions going on and a lot of things coming between our relationship with one another, so our sex as well as our relationship suffered from it dramatically. This was a major factor in my wondering about being attracted to males, I believe, since we weren’t fitting together and he is one of the only males I have any sort of attraction to the conclusion for my brain was to think maybe I should just give up males altogether.

When we were talking about him visiting I was nervous because of this, I didn’t know if I was going to be attracted to him again, I didn’t know if it was going to be a farewell visit or a reconciliation. After the split and before he visited there were instances when I was masturbating and he came to mind without my conscious invoking of him, which made me more secure in his coming up here. I figured one way or another something would be determined by his visit.

I still look at images of cocks and cunts and have very little attraction, but when he was here I was definitely attracted to him. There was a spark between us that I hadn’t felt in many years, since way before we moved to Seattle. We had amazing chemistry once upon a time, but the pressure we put on ourselves, getting used to each other, and getting to the point of taking each other for granted definitely changed our interactions for the worse. That chemistry was back full-force as the weight of the triad had been lifted from both of us and we both have been focusing on ourselves since everything happened. It was amazing once again.

For the moment I’m still sticking with the needing to be alone idea. We are pausing our relationship in a way right now in that we are separated by many miles, but still keeping in touch and planning on visiting each other regularly. For some people this would be a long-distance relationship, but that’s not what I’m comfortable terming it at the moment. I am taking time to figure out my life as well as analyze and discover aspects of myself long since forgotten, and I believe he is doing the same. We’re both working on rethinking the way we both approach our relationship so that we do not fall into the same traps and end up getting into a rut the way we have before.

We got too stuck in the idea of a relationship as the focal point of life rather than a support system or another person to create home together. We both need focuses outside the relationship more than we were getting before, and that is what we’re getting now being so far apart and not living together. He has been my home for so long, but we were going about it the wrong way. Instead of going off and having our own adventures so that we could come back together, share what we experienced and learned, and be stronger for it we got way too wrapped up in each other over the course of our relationship, especially moving to a new place together where I had trouble finding a job or an outside focus.

There was a long while when we talked a lot about needing to get out of our isolationist funk but we were having trouble doing it, which is when Marla came along and seemed to fill that need so perfectly. She seemed to fit in with us so well and came right at the perfect time, and although everything crumbled in the end the experience was extraordinarily valuable. Among many other things it showed me just how strong my bond with Onyx is, that I haven’t been willing to give him up despite the opportunity, which, quite honestly, surprised me.

There are still a lot of things to figure out, and for that I’m glad we have lots of time and space to work on everything. I’m glad to keep as many options open as possible, and do wish that things had happened differently, but I think everything has worked out for the best.

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January 8th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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In 2010…

I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2010, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP

Of the things I said I wanted to do in 2009 I didn’t do too badly, actually. Some of these things are the same, and some are different.

Get my body piercing license! – My biggest goal, which I hope I will be able to do in a year, but that will depend on when we can get the apprenticeship going and everything. I’ve been accepted, it will happen, but I have to wait until my teacher has the time to teach me and we have paperwork to figure out and all that good stuff. I hope to be done with my 1000 hours required to get the license by the end of the year, but we’ll see.

Get my driver’s license. – While we’re on the subject of licenses, this would also be a good one to get. It was part of my list of things I wanted to do in 2009 too and something I did not end up doing. Being here in Juneau, however, with access to cars may make this goal a little more attainable this year.

Write more. – The last half of 2009 wasn’t filled with as much writing as I think it should have been. Having time to myself up in Juneau is going to help with this, I think. This also means focusing more on this blog, maybe implementing another posting structure like I did a long while back where each day I have a topic I focus on posting about.

Comment more. – Commenting on other people’s posts is something I always mean to do but don’t always do. I know how much I love comments, even if they are just a few words or a couple sentences, so I like to spread the love around, but I don’t always have the time.

Figure out my job situation. – I would love to get a job with an online sex toy retailer which I could do from here while I pursue my apprenticeship and figure out my life. However, I know this is probably unrealistic, so I need to figure out what I can do in Juneau.

Get out of debt. – Or at very least reduce the amount of debt I have. Getting a job will greatly help with this, as will living with my Dad and not paying rent. School loans are the big thing here, unfortunately, but not the only.

Be more active. – This last year was not one of great activity, quite the contrary, and already in the last month since I’ve been here I’ve been out more and doing more things, or at least it feels that way. I want to be more active in general, socially as well as physically. I also want to get healthier, start going to the gym again, do more yoga, establish a routine, and lose weight. I’ll never be skinny, and I don’t want to be, but there’s healthy fat and unhealthy fat for my body and I’m in the latter phase right now.

Find a partner. – Specifically a female one, preferably here in Juneau, but I know that’s asking a lot. Who knows, though, it could happen.

And, last but not least…

Continue to learn and grow. – I think it’s nearly impossible not to do this one every year, but it’s something I am making a goal every year as I want to be consciously aware of it and work on it, not just have it happen to me.

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January 6th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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In the Year 2009

I refuse to reminisce about the past decade unless it's in a

The ever-so-popular year-in-review post, much like my In the Year 2008 last year. So, this is a little late, but I’m still posting it anyway! The new year is always a good time to reflect on the year before and look forward to the year to come, so here’s my reflecting.

In 2009…

Were there any other significant events in my life in 2009? Definitely, though that doesn’t mean I remember them all. Was there anything that I mentioned on here that you think should be included in this list and isn’t? Do you have a favorite post of mine in 2009? What were your significant moments of 2009?

And, since someecards has sort of gotten me on the subject… in the last decade…

  • I lived in Juneau, Alaska; Ashland, Oregon; Salt Lake City, Utah; and Seattle, Washington. I then came full-circle back to Juneau.
  • I graduated college, receiving a double Bachelor’s of Science in Psychology and Gender Studies from the University of Utah.
  • I had lots of sex, some of it good, some of it bad. I learned a lot about sex in general.
  • I met Onyx in the middle of it (five years ago, it was December/November time I believe, so just over five years).
  • I grew into myself. My clothing style is much the same as it was in 2000 and I’m back in my hometown, but lots of other things are drastically different. I am still shy and social-avoidant, but I am more confident and self-assured.
  • I cut my hair shorter than chin-length for the first time, and dyed it for the first time both in general and an unnatural color.
  • I had at least four blogs (more if you count livejournal or diaryland) and a short-lived sex podcast under another pseudonym, this is the longest-running one of the bunch I believe.

Might add more as I think of them.

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January 6th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Rediscoveries

Now that I am somewhat outside of the relationships that have consumed me and took over my life for the last eight or so months I find myself getting more in touch with my needs. I am glad to have so much alone time and time to focus on me as me rather than me in a relationship. I’m thinking about this blog again much more than I have for the last few months, though I still have more drafts than posts.

I have so many different aspects of myself that I’m trying to appease all at once and am realizing there is no real way for me to do that. They are easily expressed by what appear to be binaries, but only because of the limitations of language and binaries being so ingrained in our way of thinking/expressing. There are multiple facets within each of the “binary” (appearing) identities, such as Top and bottom each having different aspects of power roles as well as sadomasochistic roles and kinks and fetishes of their own, and there is a multi-identity as well, such as switch. The same is true for my gender identities, though they can be broken down into femme and fagette there are multiple aspects within each and a multi-identity being genderfluid or multigendered.

I’m getting back in touch with the kink side of me, which is sad that somehow it got lost in the relationships I was having, but also understandable. The ability to have sexual intimacy was strained basically since July when Marla moved in with us, and before that it was strained as well for different reasons. This impacted a lot of things, but the little sex and sexual intimacy we were able to have was almost always short and usually fairly vanilla.

Specifically I miss bottoming. I haven’t done a lot of it in the last few months at all, though I have done some Topping. I actually miss more than bottoming, I miss submitting, and these days I often find myself desiring intense power play situations. I miss analyzing things on here as well, and having things to analyze beyond the triad. I realize I used to write a lot about power play, especially being a feminist submissive and all that can come along with that, back when my site was Fem(me)inist Fucktoy. I just miss power play in general, so much that I’ve actually gone on IRC and done some anonymously, though it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Onyx came up here for New Year’s and leaves tomorrow, which was good timing considering the desire for bottoming I’ve had. We’ve had a wonderful week so far and it has helped me remember how well we work together, how we used to work years ago before a lot of other things started getting in the way. I still don’t know what that means for us as partners, however. He’s been my lover, my friend, and my family for over four years and I hate that he spent both his birthday and the recent holidays alone, which was a big factor in my wanting him to come up here, but not the only factor. However, I still feel broken and damaged. I wonder when I will be able to trust anyone again, myself included. I still maintain that I need to be alone for a while, and he knows this and is willing to give me the time I need while still being able to be in touch and see each other.

Juneau is a good place for me to be for a while, to heal my wounds, to figure things out, to rediscover parts of myself I lost or forgot about. I’m not yet sure how to reconcile everything I feel inside, and often wonder if it is legitimate. I am still trying to figure out the underlying desires and drives which cause me to act how I do, but it’s a life-long task which may never be finished. In many ways I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

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January 5th, 2010 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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Familiar Footsteps

For a long time I was very similar to my sister, I followed in her footprints if you will. This wasn’t an intentional decision on my part to become more like her it just kind of happened that way. We have similar interests, and have for as long as I can remember. We have both been blogging for a long time and our current blog incarnations and online personae developed independently of each other but are also somewhat similar.

I have never consciously emulated her, but I think I do to a degree. Onyx has said he thinks this is because I see her as someone who has her life together, who has taken control, and that’s what I want to do. Maybe that’s true, or maybe I just want to emulate her in the way a younger sister looks up to her elder, or maybe it is something else entirely. I’m really not sure.

Now it seems like every major decision I make is one she has made in one way or another, and maybe these are things everyone has to go through, but it seems more specific than that. Even leaving my relationships and coming to Juneau for a while is something she did, though I didn’t know that until I was doing it and she mentioned she did the same thing.

To a point I don’t want to emulate her, I don’t want to find my life patterning similarly to how hers did ten years ago. While I don’t consciously make choices based on what she did I find myself over and over making similar choices. Is this simply because we are so similar, a fact which becomes more and more apparent to me, or is there something else at work here?

In the last few months to a year I have been thinking heavily about what it is I am wanting to do with my life, and the more I wonder the less I have any idea. I have all these ideas and interests and desires but haven’t had any direction or ability to figure out my path from point A (where I am) to point Z (where I want to be). The recent shaking up of my life and comfort has really made me think about everything anew, and I feel more on track now than I have before, which is really amazing.

For the longest time I could focus on school, it was all I knew, really, and my side focus was finding love because that was something I hadn’t really experienced. I found Onyx, I finished school, I found Marla, now those relationships are gone or changing and I’m back in my hometown, which is weird in and of itself. I love having time to think about me, and I’m glad I’m taking the time away from relationships to figure things out about past and future relationships to be sure not to make the same mistake.

Since I’ve been here the clouds of distraction are clearing and things are finally moving forward. I spoke with a piercer I’ve been coming to for around eight years about becoming her apprentice and she agreed! I’m overjoyed, though the apprenticeship will not begin immediately it will happen. This is an important step toward the rest of my life, I think. I have tentative future plans after the apprenticeship is over, though it will probably be a year or more. I am getting a grip on life and enjoying it.

I will be up in Juneau, Alaska for a while, though hopefully I’ll be able to go down south every once in a while as well, but I will be writing from Alaska until you hear otherwise. Staying in Juneau is not something my sister chose, and I’m wondering if this time focusing on myself outside of a relationship and the reawakening I am experiencing will jolt me out of the familiar patterns I was falling into.

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December 22nd, 2009 by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
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