What I Don’t Need
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At some point before I’ve talked about relationship needs, that is the needs of the relationship, but in the last few months something that has been extremely important for me to realize has been a different sort of relationship need, that is, a lack of need.
When I was younger a relationship or, more accurately, the absence of and desire for a relationship was always the focal point of my life, with other things often working to fill the void I felt without a partner. I think part of the reason why I left theatre life is because I was so focused on the need to be in a relationship, the need for a partner, and I thought theatre would distract from that. The reason I have recently been able to come back to it is because of this new lack of a need.
The word “need” is thrown about so much even though so often it is impossible to accurately separate needs from wants when in the moment, one must step outside and analyze and discern in order to figure out what is really necessary and what is a passing fancy, and even that is difficult without hindseight. Luckily life is much like the philosopher Jagger sang01, and often these things work out on their own. Needs aren’t bad things by any means, so long as we can distinguish between need and want.
So often are we told that in order to be a complete and true person we must be in a couple, we are only part of a whole, and when we are told something over and over again it becomes like a need. We do not need others to fulfill or complete ourselves, though we often feel like we do because we are told that we do for various reasons. We are told we are incomplete without the perfect partner, not to mention marketing strategies which tell us we are not complete without some product or another, but that is a whole other post. The point is we need to be able to be happy and complete without external influences.
This isn’t to say that we don’t need relationships. After all, humans are social creatures, as the cliché tells us, and I’ve studied enough psychology and sociology to know that is basically true02. While love is part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs relationships in general aren’t the same as the idealized spend-all-of-your-time-together can’t-think-of-anyone-but-each-other completely emotionally dependent romantic relationships perpetuated by society. We grow up thinking that is what we need, to find someone to fill the void within ourselves, before realizing that no one can really fill that but ourselves.
Need indicates more than a desire. Saying that I need something is the same as saying that there is some fundamental part of me that requires something in order to survive, be complete, or be happy. I do need friends and relationships, but that doesn’t mean I need any one specific person. If that was true than no one would ever maintain friendships outside of romantic relationships.
Distinguishing the difference between the idealized relationship and a healthy independent relationship is something the triad taught me. While I knew in my head that it was best to have lives and friends and interests outside of the relationship I always had a difficult time engaging in anything like that aside from school. Once I graduated I lost my outside focus and my relationship with Onyx was strained ever since. He was also supporting me financially, he was basically providing me with the first three levels of my hierarchy of needs and neither of us was completely comfortable with that.
Spending time away from him really has done wonders for our relationship, for both of us. I’ve gotten to the point of embracing my autonomy and independence, enjoying time alone in a new way, which was truly necessary after the triad, which truly was a spend-all-of-your-time-together dependent romantic relationship. In addition to everything else I actually think rediscovering this independence has actually been a major catalyst for the rediscovery of my desire to be submissive for long periods of time rather than for short bursts during play. Now that I am not dependent on him my choice to be submissive is that much stronger. But I digress, that also is another post.
“I need you” now leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t want to be needed or to need anyone else, it puts too much pressure on the relationship. I would rather everyone involved was coming to the relationship from a place of want and desire, a place where the relationship is fun, voluntary, and exciting rather than necessary or required. Thus I am officially striking the phrase “I need you” or any derivative thereof from my romantic repertoire. I choose instead to employ phrases such as “I want you” or “I crave you” which are equally as powerful but are less dependent.
edit
Brought to my attention by the wonderful Kristi, Amanda Palmer’s cover of “I Want You, But I Don’t Need You” is fabulously in the exact same vein as my post above, and therefore needed to be embedded and shared. Not to mention it’s Amanda Palmer which automatically makes it that much more awesome.
- Referencing both the pilot episode of House and The Rolling Stones, of course. [↩]
- I do have a degree in Psychology, which basically just allows me to go “hmm” when presented with any personal information about a person. [↩]
*applauds*
I am going to be linking this post all over, because you have very clearly stated something I’ve been trying to explain for years! Callaigh
Thank you! I’m glad it makes sense rather than being random and incoherent (sometimes I’m not sure, lol). Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
I like this – a lot. It really resounds with me because I have this sort of natural rebellion against almost any kind of need outside the basic bodily needs. More a rebellion against dependence, I guess. In any case, my point is that it is a very beautiful thing to be able to connect to another human being or other human beings without losing your independence and sense of yourself as a separate entity.
Amber
Amber´s last blog ..Review: 1969 L’insolite
You hit the nail on the head with this sentence, “So often are we told that in order to be a complete and true person we must be in a couple, we are only part of a whole, and when we are told something over and over again it becomes like a need.”
My dad was married (and divorced) 5 times which really put a lot of things in perspective for me in my adulthood. I never understood why he always felt like he needed to be married and he always seemed so depressed in between wives. I grew up feeling like I’d be depressed if I didn’t have someone to share my life with. What I found was that I would cling to guys and stay in bad relationships for fear of being alone. I even married an asshole. After that marriage went sour, I realized that needing a man wasn’t what I needed at all. I needed to be happy with myself, my decisions, my past, and my life. If a man came along that I felt I could share my life and happiness with, great.
This is an excellent post and it’s awesome that you’ve come to this realization. It really helps to take a step back as you said. I hope this helps to enrich your relationship with Onyx.
April
April´s last blog ..Backgrounds
Dude, check out this video. The song sums up your post perfectly. This is a cover of the original song, but I prefer Amanda Palmer’s version. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UYEZnhnVCg
Kristi
Kristi´s last blog ..Sometimes size matters
That is fantastic! I’m going to have to embed it in the post. =D
“If you need me to need you to fuck… that fucks everything up.” <3 Scarlet Lotus St. Syr