Size & Sexuality Study – N.N.*
Number 124 from The Adipositivity Project
This is the twelfth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.
This set of responses comes anonymously from a 28 year old “femme (sometimes ultra-femme) female” lesbian who is “As married as I can be in Virginia.”
What size is your body?
I am a size 20 – currently 235 pounds – so definitely large
How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
Not so comfortable now, since I just gained 40 pounds in a year, after losing those same 40 pounds the year before.
How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I’ve been large my entire life. Two years ago, I actually managed to start losing weight and dropped 40 pounds, and 2 dress sizes – I was actually buying clothes in the regular sections, not the plus size. I felt pretty okay with my body before the weight loss, but then really felt great afterwards. I was wearing much more form fitting clothes and went out a lot more. Thats when I met my wife, and was pretty confidant the whole time, which is partly why she was attracted. Then, I had to start some new medicine, and all the weight came back. Since then, I’ve been very negative towards my body – I know I’ve been driving my wife nuts with the negative talk – and I’m trying to get back into losing the weight again, and stop the negative back talk.
How important is sexuality to your life?
Very – I love sex. Our bedroom is a shrine to our combined nymphomaniac sex and sex toy addictions. Well, not quite addictions, but I’m not saying no anytime soon. I know the best way to cure a headache is sex :)
How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I love sex – and since I’ve come out, its been a much more positive relationship. When I was younger, and still trying to fit into the heterosexist norms, I was very promiscuous, because I craved sex and the closeness with another human being, but on the other hand, hated being that close to a man. I would actually get physically ill afterwards sometimes, and of course, I was the most stereotypical commitment-phobe – no one came to my place, and I never had breakfast. But after accepting myself for who I am, and getting over the ingrained homophobia, I’ve never loved it more! Unfortunately, with the weight gain, I’ve found myself more reluctant, but my wife always makes me feel so sexy when we’re getting to it!
How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Not so much now that I’m larger – if I can lose the weight again, I think I would be much more comfortable. Definitely will not be going to fetish ball in my leather corset this year.
How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Rather uncomfortable – at least it seems that the younger folks are. Even when I was under 200, the people attracted to me were usually older – thirties, forties and even fifties. Younger girls (and guys when at a hetero bar) would sometimes even make nasty comments. But when I was confidant about my body, it seemed that most of the mature people were very positive about my overtly sexual attire – but now, with the extra weight and lowered confidence, I’m not sure it would go over as well.
Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I think since I actually lost weight for the first time in my life (as opposed to just gaining), when I did gain it back again, I was much more negatively affected than ever before. It was almost like a I got a glimpse of life on the thin(ner) side, and now can’t accept the change. This might be okay if it could be a positive influence, but I’ve never lost weight when I’m trying to lose weight – I lost weight by giving up on losing weight and just trying to get more healthy. My sex drive, while still healthy, has also dropped off some since the weight gain, and I think its because of how self-conscious I am about my body now. Plus, with the new weight gain, I’m not as proportioned as I used to be – used to, I didn’t like my size and I was hourglass – now I’m an apple, and look like bigger than my size, so its been a difficult adjustment.
Anything else you would like to add?
I’d love to hear what others have said! Especially the skinny women who always stand in front of us big women and complain how fat they are – I’ve always wondered if they really think that, or if they are just fishing for compliments (which, by the way, I never give – Instead I suggest weight watchers ;)
*N.N. stands for “nomen nescio”, Latin for “I don’t know the name.”
The funny thing is, in order to lose weight effectively, one has to make peace with the current weight, with the present moment weight. That is because only a soothed and calm mind will be able to focus on eating properly without recourse to emotional eating or similar binge patterns. Once the present weight is truly accepted, then weight loss can begin effectively.
The Nude Monk
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“Fat” must be a very powerful word. In all these posts about “size acceptance”, hardly anyone uses the word “fat”. I don’t understand that. EJKorvette
I would say without a doubt that “fat” is a very powerful word, which is part of the reason I have it as part of the sub-title of this blog and choose to embrace it as an identity. I would say that not all of the Size & Sexuality Questionnaires I have posted are about “size acceptance” directly in the sense of talking about size acceptance head-on, but rather in the sense of building awareness of size issues and sharing their personal experience, which is especially why many of them do not use the term. Not everyone likes the word fat, in fact I would go so far as to say that most people don’t, because of all the massive negative connotations that are associated with it. It has been used against many of us as an insult for a long portion of our lives and it evokes great emotions on every side of it, either people who are anti-fat, fat-positive, or somewhere in between. Of course it’s a powerful word, just like anything that can be used as a slur is, and it is also powerful when embraced with the idea of reclaiming it. Scarlet Lotus St. Syr