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If there were a Venn-diagram for non-monogamous relationships it would probably start as a big circle for non-monogamy. Inside that would be polyamory and inside that would be polyfidelity. Each of these circles would be blurry or maybe dotted lines instead of hard ones. Each circle would overlap with multiple other relationship configurations and various other types of relationship orientations and… well, maybe a Venn-diagram isn’t the most helpful illustration.
When defining a term that has to do with relationships or personal identities in any manner there is always some level of fluidity and openness to take into account. You may know this already, but I’m starting with the basics.
In the book Opening Up Tristan Taormino defines polyfidelity as “a multipartner group of three or more people who have made a commitment to each other to be in a primary relationship.” This can be different or exactly the same as polyamory simply depending on the identification of those within the group. There are no hard and fast lines here, and the terms really just depend on what the people within the relationship are most comfortable with.
Despite the “fidelity” part of the term, which makes most people think of having closed sexual conduct polyfidelity does not always exclude other relationships outside of the polyfidelitous group. Fidelity essentially means “faithful” and doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sexual faithfulness (though it can). Taormino describes two types of polyfidelitous groups: closed and open, meaning closed or open to new relationships outside of the primary. Not all members of a polyfidelitous group have to be sexually involved, either.
While I dislike the terms “primary” and “secondary” or so on and I think maybe a better way to describe it is that everyone in a polyfidelitous relationship is committed to everyone else. Even if there isn’t a sexual or romantic relationship between the individuals there is always an emotional one and a commitment to being with the other in some way shape or form.
As I mentioned, this could look identical to polyamory or it could look completely different, it just depends on how the individuals want to identify.
So, why am I writing all this about polyfidelity? I will probably be using it in the future and now I can reference this post whenever I mention it.
I posted a while ago about our transition from mono to poly to triad and Not long after that I brought this difference up to Marla and Onyx and we all agreed that the definition for polyfidelitous fit our relationship.
Generally speaking the term triad is used to describe a polyfidelitous relationship between three people, so we had already kind of figured that out but at the same time I’m a sucker for semantics and finding new terms and labels to describe myself so that I can add them on to the long list of labels I already embrace to make such a long string of labels I eventually essentially become label-less again, though that’s another post.
Another term Taormino mentions in Opening Up is “trilationship” which is fairly self-explanatory I think. I pronounce it similar to tree-lationship so it sounds similar to relationship only different–also because pronouncing it try-lationship is kind of awkward. This is another term I will be using in the future.Possibly related posts:
So I’m technically late for HNT posting as it’s Friday, but I don’t care! Since I’m in the middle of writing about my NYC/D.C. trip it seems wrong to skip this week’s HNT after posting the last two weeks especially.
This is Marla, back all scratched up from my nails which aren’t really that long but apparently do the trick. She enjoyed it, though, from what I could tell. I did quite a bit of scratching, lots of biting, some marking, lots of fucking, and had a wild need to have my fingers inside of her at pretty much any given time. I needed her so badly and couldn’t take my hands off of her. Seriously.
But, oh fuck, the noises she made, the way she looked when I fucked her with my cock, the way she felt and tasted and… well, you’ll be able to read about it soon.
There will be more of our meeting in the next few days. Oh yes there will.
I haven’t yet mentioned on here, but she’s coming up to Seattle on June 5th. Excited doesn’t even begin to cover it.Possibly related posts:
Part of my trip to NYC and Washington D.C., continued from The Beginning: New York City. There will be more posts after this as well.
Somehow (after going the wrong way) I made it to the Bolt Bus with my stuff with about 15 minutes to spare before the bus was supposed to be there. I got a little to eat before heading out to the bus only to discover it was the wrong bus. That didn’t matter so much as I met up with Mollena, Essin’ Em, and MayMay before heading onto the bus. Not long after we were met by AvatarKoo and Sascha and the six of us headed on what was affectionately called the Sex Bus!
While there was a lot of chatting there was also a lot of quiet on the five hours that it took for us to go from NYC to D.C. and I got a bit of sleep (I had been kept up late the night before talking with Onyx and Marla). Bolt Bus has power plugs and wifi, which is why we all wanted to take it, but both stopped working halfway through the ride, which was highly annoying. I used that time to sleep, though, and it was no big deal.
Once we got to D.C., Mollena, Essin’ Em, and I took a cab to the hotel and got settled in. We had learned while on the bus that the pool and drinks activity scheduled was canceled as the pool was not open! This was highly disappointing to me as I had been dreaming about swimming for a good while, luckily I was able to that weekend but that’s for later.
The wonderful Domina Doll was gracious enough to let me share her room, and we ended up meeting up in the hotel restaurant before heading up to our room and settling in. We chatted for quite some time while I was tweeting with Carnivalesq and texting with Onyx and Marla.
After getting to know each other offline a little bit Domina and I headed to Carnivalesq’s room to meet her and her boyfriend Ripley both of whom I already knew I was going to like but I immediately loved them! I felt like we all got along very well and was super excited to meet them. The four of us went out to get thai food at a nearby restaurant, then headed to a liquor store and bought wine for the evening/weekend.
We headed back to our respective hotel rooms and Domina and I broke out the wine while chatting some more. I really enjoyed talking with her, and there was a little drama going on with Marla, mostly me feeling bad and worrying, so we talked about that among many other things. I was so glad to have met her and I felt like we hit it off as well, though I knew that was going to happen.
We headed up to the Brownies and Porn event happening in Match’s room and there met lots of other people, I can’t even say who all was there, but that was the first time I met Jay and Ellie and so many other people were there. At the time I was busy worrying about meeting Marla, I had not yet bought our hotel room for the next two nights either, and I was just in anxiety-mode, which made being in a room full of people I didn’t know too well who were also being loud something that I didn’t want to do.
I headed back down to my room, made hotel reservations for the next two nights at a hotel in Alexandria, VA on the other side of D.C. (technically we were in Silver Springs, MD) and called the hotel to make sure their pool was open. It was. Score! Carnivalesq and Ripley came along not too soon after, there was chatting for a bit until they were tired and decided to head back to their room. It was a strange night all around, really.
I ended up staying up super late (read: 5am) talking on the phone with Onyx about my own fears and insecurities regarding meeting Marla, and so I also ended up sleeping until the keynote had already started. Quickly I woke Domina up, showered, got dressed, and headed down to the main floor where the conference was being held. I opted for breakfast instead of the first session but then opted for talking with Marla on the phone instead of breakfast. She was already on her way up to D.C.
The first session I went to (which was actually the second session) was Mollena’s “Flying Your Freak Flag” session, I came in late with Carnivalesq, then Ripley followed not long behind. It was a wonderful session, Mollena is absolutely wonderful and I really was glad that I had chosen to go to hers. There were several wonderful quotes which i couldn’t help but tweet and just generally enjoyed the session immensely. It was basically about the decision to be “out” about being part of a community, how being out can help others around you not just yourself. Every session I participated in seemed to come back to person vs. personae in one way or another, something I definitely want to write about at a later time.
After that session I talked with Marla and Onyx briefly before settling down to actually eat something since I had neglected to do so before. Carnivalesq and Ripley kept me company and Carnivalesq discovered the sugar packets were njoy brand (njoy being also the name of a sex toy company we all lust for). It was highly amusing. Can you tell I clung to them a bit the entire conference?
This entire time, also, Marla was getting closer and closer to D.C. and my excitement for that was building and distracting as I was also enjoying everything else.
I stuck with Carnivalesq and Ripley and updated briefly during Jack Stratton’s session “History of Written Erotica on the Internet” which was highly awesome and included a snippit from a tentacle porn story which was pretty awesome. I tweeted a few choice quotes from that session as well. It talked heavily on the difference between person vs. personae and the ability of having anonymity on the internet but that also evolving into a personae of it’s own. Quite interesting, and for another post.
She was even closer by the time the session started.
We stayed in the same room to participate in Jack Murnighan’s session “Sex Writing Beyond Erotica,” which discussed various types of sex writing and also ended up touching on person vs. personae as well as various other things, such as comfortability in sex writing (”If I’m really comfortable writing this, it probably isn’t going to be interesting” tweet), the ever-evasive (for me) showing vs. telling, and all sorts of other usual suspects when it comes to issues with sex writing/how to write sex/etc. Again, there were many quotable tweets.
That session was also especially amusing because, as I tweeted, I was sitting next to Carnivalesq, one row behind AvatarKoo, two rows behind Ellie Lumpesse, and also across the room from Minx, all of us with our laptops, all of us tweeting. After the session I stepped away from my computer for less than 20 minutes, when I came back there were 60+ tweets under the #Sex20 hashtag on twitter. We were also trending on twitter, meaning so many people were using the hashtag it officially became a trend. Crazy.
The final session I attended was “Revisiting Naked on the InternetAudacia Ray, FurryGirl, Melissa Gira and Amber Rhea. It dealt a lot with the person vs. personae idea again, as well as feminism or not, sex work, and living your life on the internet (kinda similar to person vs. personae also).
After the session I went to the vendor room with Carnivalesq, where Ripley had already bought a necklace from Vera for me! I didn’t know they were going to, and it was so sweet of them! I am currently wearing it, and haven’t actually taken it off since it was given to me, it’s a simple chain held together with a heart-shaped lock kinda like the one on my wrist. I had mentioned liking it earlier in the day. It was so super sweet of them, I’m still kinda floored by it!
Marla was so close I could almost taste her, so I said my goodbyes to Domina Doll (who I barely saw all day), Carnivalesq and Ripley, headed up to the hotel room, packed up my stuff, went downstairs and impatiently waited for her to get to the hotel.
Part of me is sad I didn’t stick around for that night and the next morning, but I had something more important to do. Heaven forbid having sex actually interfere with a conference about sexuality! I really enjoyed all the sessions, and I have a lot more I want to write about each of them but specifically under the topic they raised in me: person vs. personae. In Jack’s Sex 2.0 post he mentions the point of the conference, which I will gratefully
“One thing Sex 2.0 seemed to say to me is that we (feminists, sex workers, BDSM, poly community, LGBT, creators of explicit art and media, anyone ostracized, marginalized, disadvantaged or persecuted because of their sexual identity, choice or profession) may be part of different movements, but we have a lot of similar goals and we should come together and learn how to be better allies. We are all fighting first and foremost to have our voices heard, thus it makes sense for us to create forums where all voices can be heard.”
I couldn’t have said it better. It was a wonderful experience and I’m excited for the next Sex 2.0 to be held here in Seattle and further participation in it next year.
Meeting Marla, heading to the hotel, and the rest of the weekend? That will have to come in the next post…Possibly related posts:
Yet another picture from the time Marla and I had with each other, the time I have yet to write up but will get to one of these days… promise! She’s already written about our first day together, so if you haven’t read that yet you definitely should!
She’s also posting the same images this week, over here, because we’re sickeningly cute like that!
These both were taken while we were on the phone with Onyx, after some hot phone sex, as you can see in the image of me below (as I’m holding my phone). They were taken on the 10th of May around noon, Onyx mentioned he wanted more pictures of us and so Marla started snapping some while we were all on the phone. I then stole the (my) camera to take one of her, which I love. I think she was straddling me at the moment both pictures were taken?
Marla’s eyes are blacked out to protect her anonymity, my eyes are shielded just by happenstance.
She’s so sexy! And I’m so jealous of her double nipple piercings, I used to have mine like that but had to take my vertical ones out. Hers are so sexy! Everything about her is sexy!
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